shadow work

shadow work

i see ancient queens
in my dreams
they swim in the milk of neptune
i am invited
but i am afraid to die
i am not ready to leave you...

unconditional Oshun encouraged:
drink more water.
stern Thoth urged:
write.
brick wall blocks
the view
soul purpose
human potential

settling kills
creativity
stifling
soul betrayers
donning masks of 'mates' and 'twins'

how do i break through?
what do you do when words don't
do the work?
self-love can't always be
the answer, can it?

you frustrate me
and i love you
any way
family depresses me
any way
i am manic
any way
expectations deceive
any way
therapy calls
any way
because you don't call
any way.

just once
i'd like to be a tree, 
or a bird...
a tiger,
or a rose...
they may perish faster,
but how much more simple, their lives...

i wish the anger would subside
sometimes i wish i could hide
from every human on this earth
without trapping myself in a box, ignoring my worth

when rage gets the best of me
guilt lingers longer
than shouting
how i wish people would share their thoughts with me
when i actually
want
to know them.

i don't drink to get drunk.
okay, who doesn't drink to get drunk?
i just don't like to rush it.
albeit i have, many times...

like inhaling smoke
or learning a lover,
the key is taking your time.
so while i drink this wine
as slow
and as fast as i can
i cheers to you, my friendly demons
you could be so much worse
so i'll be grateful
and get a bit cozy with you.

you...

you...

energy
impeccable
vibe
intoxicating
eyes
kind
lips
sensual
hands
steady
arms
strong
soul
sensational
love
deep
demeanor
godly...

my words are heavy.
ten
tons
of honey
on a
slow
drip
into your heartbeat...
in this land of make believe
and one of many, many earths,
i wonder what we are like on the other planets
and planes
i wonder who i am there,
if i am still loving you?
perhaps you are my favorite tree
perhaps you are my favorite spot on the beach
perhaps we are a pair of bees
buzzing in sweet-smelling peonies

for you are the storm in my seas
the fire in the breeze...

you are the light of the moon
that guided me home
where i found the love
i thought missing

where the sun rose
the very same day
you went away
and i saw myself
divine and illuminated...

godly
energy
impeccable
vibe
intoxicating
eyes
kind
lips
sensual
hands
steady
arms
strong
soul
sensational
love
deep
demeanor...

maybe we aren't meant to be
but sometimes, so badly
i wish you were meant for me...

where is the one who lights me up! builds me up, inspires me to reach
for the stars, loves to me to every dimension and back?
who believes in my vision an sees all that i strive to be,
and am,
without ego
without concern of what i can provide for them only?

next chapter is called: no narcissists allowed.

do you see the fire in my heart and mind?
i am more than beauty and body.
i am a lotus, thriving beyond the mud.
i soaked up the lessons
from the agua,
i applied them to my leaves
i am ready for flowers to bloom
from my branches
i am ready to be loved the way i deserve
and desire.

i set my sights high. 

perhaps i have manifested all that i want
as it awaits my arrival on the other side
of acceptance and deserving.

i am worthy.

i am love.

i love you, wherever you are.
begging to commit to myself, it is the beginning
of committing to you.

...

i find home in the serpent.
in the sacred space within
where i shed worn skin.
i know where i've been,
i know where i'm going,
i know who i am,
i know how i unravel
and coil.
no longer your mirror:
i step into my sea
of sweetness and serenity.
buried deep all along
i finally heed the call.

i went to hell and back today;
they wanted me to stay.
i thought i'd rip you from my flesh
so i could stray
without worries of what you'd say.
i can get dark that way;
thought about ending it all today
so you could finally understand
it can't all go your way.
i spray
lavender in my hand
to smell some beauty,
to clear the air
so i can remember why i'm here:
for so much more than to be stuck
in your revolving door
of blame and guilt.
you've knit a fantastic quilt.
tonight i cut myself out again.
i thought we'd been through this
but i cut myself out again.

soul doesn't lie to me.
ego tries to
quite often.
i tried so hard to see
where you were right
at the expense of my sanity.
cut the chords today,
i have to let it be.
there is no changing you,
you refuse to see me,
with love i set you free.

...

sometimes i'd rather dwell
in the fantasy of you
however dangerous
it may be
than recount memories
of men
i've actually met
questioning sanity,
i find queer comfort
in the sound of your soul
thrumming to mine
knowing you are mine
whenever i like...

i leisurely make happen
what i am patiently impatient for: your eyes
to meet mine. not on a sea
of gold and red,
no flashing lights overhead.
your eyes will meet mine
in a darkness we dive into,
hearts will glow,
dim embers will pulse,
words will be shared over wine
and for you, cigarettes.
i'll tell you how much i don't like them
and you'll acknowledge it's too late for you.
i'll say, it's never too late,
and you'll smile
whether you agree or not.
my glow will bring you back to life.
you have much to teach me
and i will teach you back.

...

when i felt nostalgic bliss roll
slowly up my spine
reach through ribs
and seize my heart...
unshakeable romance!
suddenly in love, as if
i was someone else, loving me
and
i knew it was whole,
i knew it was mine,
you just happened to be the echo
of me feeling magic
all my own.

forgiveness feels good.
one thing doesn't change:
my willingness
to be vulnerable.
i am the wealthiest
i have ever been
and it has nothing to do with material.
devastation eroded programming
i rebuild consciously
every lover has seen my lows
they haven't all seen the same.
when i tell you
newfound self-love is coming
in waves...
baptism of past, present,
malleable future
infuse the saltwater i bathe in.
intention creates action,
awareness creates change,
experience creates range.

i am grateful
for it all.


See this piece performed live.

(photo)

Creatress-in-Chief of Pussy Magic, Samantha is a published poet, author, and editor from the Bay Area with immense passion for traveling and positively changing the lives of women through holistic healing and honoring our sacred selves: mind, body, and spirit. Find more info and her writing here.