for me, giving [love] is easy.
loving can be easy. i've been in love since i can remember whether i was dwelling in happiness or heartache. i give and i give and i give until there is nothing left and i give some more. my heart has broke many times, but it never stopped me from seizing the next opportunity to engage in romance, until now, in which i've been focusing on solitude, giving love to myself, and receiving love from myself.
love is a deep well. it is the thing we are most wealthy of in this world. some have to dig for this love while others have it bubbling constantly along the surface. either way, it is there. love is as abundant as ever. when someone like me feels like we've given so much that we are empty, we simply recharge before giving it again, rarely realizing why we may feel depleted, or that we are in the first place.
i'm still learning how to give this love to myself. it's a never-ending process, i think. hellbent on giving it to everyone else, i forgot about me. it took years to even realize this cycle and behavior. in the past few months i've had another realization in my journey of "love" and self and relationships. something that i had not realized i was struggling with or even had a problem with:
the idea and complication of receiving love from another. romantic or otherwise.
it's one thing to give love, another to give it to yourself... but to allow yourself to fully receive? this is a whole new aspect to the art of loving and receiving. it is not as simple as it maybe should be or as it sounds, but i've come to understand that giving is not as risky as receiving.
it can be much easier to fling love over the moat that guards you. there's no risk at giving it other than feeling drained and lonely. usually we can tolerate our own pain, or are comfortable in it. as Kurt Cobain wrote, "i miss the comfort in being sad." for some of us, allowing joy and happiness is even more uncomfortable or painful. we may feel diminished from giving, but this is where our comfort lies, and when we restock, we are ready to bravely love again. we are willing to endure that pain, but at what cost?
receiving is just as active as giving. we must receive intentionally, be OPEN and allow it to happen. surrendering and allowing yourself to receive is a deep act of self-love. receiving love is far more uncomfortable than giving it. receiving means bringing walls down and letting someone in. you can give love from your throne and still be protected. you can throw love out and keep some for yourself, if you're even aware to keep some for yourself, and that barrier will always protect you. but how can you receive while this moat surrounds you? your heart does not have anyone to fetch it for you, and if it did... the love would not reach you in the same way.
after so long of hiding within your walls, you may realize that you attract those who reject the love you reject from yourself. you attract people who don't want relationships because secretly you're terrified to be in that deep, vulnerable position (again). being in a "real" relationship requires the utmost vulnerability and risk of being hurt.
for example, i thought i was attracting people who couldn't give me love because of their own shortcomings or fear of intimacy and love alone, but that's only the half. i didn't see it as a reflection of the love i wasn't giving to myself, me not committing to myself, and it also made me step back and recalibrate, "what am i providing in a relationship?" people can become so jaded that we only think about what our partner can offer to us that we forget we have to offer something worthwhile as well. but that's another story.
receiving is the threat. it's what strips you bare and vulnerable.
to allow is more than to take.
you can take a gift,
but that does not mean you are receiving it.
as i surrender more deeply into what life's treasure exists,
i find more gold within myself.
i truly am learning who i am as i've taken steps away
from dating to be with myself.
the more i surrender and learn of myself, the more i truly fall in love with myself.
the more that i fall in love with myself, the more i give to myself.
the more i give to myself, the more i learn how to receive from myself.
allow yourself to receive graciously, knowing that you are deserving of the gifts that long to greet you.
as i allow myself to truly receive love from myself, graciously, reverently, and deeply... i understand that i am opening my heart to myself, and therefore will be more confident in opening my heart to another with intention, with bravery, and with ferocity. as i prepare myself for loving another, i have learned even more about loving myself.
i know that this journey will not end when the next love arrives. this is constant self-work that does not have an expiration date. when they arrive, the journey will get even deeper, more twisted and inside out, more catalyzing and more alchemical. i am on fire and i am ready. as i transform within myself i am preparing for another transformation with another. what exciting magnetizing beauty i simply cannot wait for. the pain, the pleasure, the metamorphosis.
Creatress-in-Chief of Pussy Magic, Samantha is a published poet, author, and editor from the Bay Area with immense passion for traveling and positively changing the lives of women through holistic healing and honoring our sacred selves: mind, body, and spirit. Find more info and her writing here.